Is Low Self-Esteem a Habit?
Low self-esteem is a label often applied when a person thinks poorly of themselves. You are not born with a low self-esteem. A self-critical style of thinking is a habit. You can be unlearn these habits with appropriate counseling.
Peter’s Story -
Peter was the middle child in a family of three children. Growing up, he enjoyed video games and books, and he went on to study graphic design at university. In school he wasn’t as accomplished as his brothers. He felt criticized by his parents. While he had one good friend, he was also bullied at school. He came to think that he was ‘dumb’ and ‘odd’.
Peter would get nervous when around people he thought were more competent. He never felt comfortable around women. He never believed he fit in. Peter became very self-critical. He felt he had to be more conscious of his faults to try and correct them before they got noticed by people.
Sara’s Story -
Sara grew poor. Her father was an alcoholic and her parents seem to fight constantly when she was growing up. It was really scary at times. Due to her family situation, she was picked on at school and this made her believe she was different. Her mother worked to provide some financial stability for the family as her father was in an out of work often.
Sara kept mostly to herself. She thought poorly of herself. She was happy for any attention that boys paid to her. She had a sexual relationship with boys who paid her attention. But, Sara never felt valued as a person.
Low self-efficacy or low-self-esteem means that you do not hold yourself in high value and regard yourself poorly. This self-perception will often have a dramatic effect on one’s life. You will be hard pressed to value yourself. These perceptions are usually developed before age nine and will have a dramatic effect on the trajectory of your life. You may believe these thoughts are a fact. We call that a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Early Life Events are Significant
Negative beliefs often develop as a result of significant events in our lives as described above with Peter and Sara. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), psychologists refer to these early live experiences as developing ‘core beliefs’ about ourselves and the world.
Depending on the ‘core beliefs’ we develop, our self-esteem and perception of ourselves can have long-standing effects on our life. These may include:
Being an outsider in school with our peers
Not living up to parental expectations
Childhood neglect of emotional or physical needs
Being thought of as ‘weird’
Loneliness or feeling isolated
Being bullied and traumatized
Not receiving enough praise or positive feedback
Grief, mourning or bereavement
Verbal abuse such as being told you are “stupid” or “if it wasn’t for you I could have ***”
Early Life Experiences -> Core Beliefs -> Limiting Beliefs/Behavior
EARLY CHILDHOOD IS SIGNIFICANT IN HABIT DEVELOPMENT
How Does Low Self-Efficacy Keep Going?
A combination of thinking and behavior will perpetuate low self-esteem and make it a habit. Sara and Peter made overly negative assumptions about their skills and abilities (negative thinking) and the result is that they were less willing to try new things (unhelpful actions). This kept them stuck in their old ways. Thus, they didn’t get a chance to learn about their true abilities and skills. And, they didn’t even try.
Dr. Melanie Fennell, a psychologist, of Oxford University Department of Psychiatry has developed a helpful way to think about keeping stuck with low self-esteem. This is diagram displays the thinking:
What Can I Do to Beat Low Self-Esteem?
A. Identify Your Negative Beliefs
You are the result of your experience. If you were given unlovable messages as a child you will have a high probability of developing low self-esteem.
Did you have problems fitting in with your peers in school?
Were you abused or severely punished?
Were you neglected?
Verbal abuse was common for me.
Trauma and chaos lived in my family.
Were you told “It’s your fault?
Did you have unreasonable expectations put on you?
B. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Thoughts
Counseling can help you to identify your negative automatic thinking and teach you to change it.
C. Is Your Tone Harsh?
The way you talk to your self is as important as what you say to yourself. Your counselor can help you to develop a healthier tone when you speak to yourself. It’s called self-compassion.
D. Identify Your Positive Traits and Qualities
You will be kept stuck in your limiting believes if you do not work to change them. Positive change may not happen overnight, but it will happen if you work with a counselor to change. In my work with my clients, I help them to identify and change these believes which are so automatic that they are often not aware of them.
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