DR. CHRIS WOLF DISCUSSES 5 REASONS YOU MAY BLAME YOURSELF FOR A TRAUMA
Do You Blame Yourself for a Past Trauma?
In my work with trauma survivors over many years I have noticed a familiar but sad pattern of thinking. I remember treating a young woman after the 9/11 attack. She worked in one of the towers on a team. She had called a co-worker, friend and team member asking her to go in early for her so that she could make an appointment for her child. They often flexed time, and her co-worker was happy to go in early for her. Her co-worker and friend died that day in the terrorist attack. She came in for treatment feeling depressed and ridden with survivor guilt.
In my experience treating active duty soldiers and veterans over the past 10 years, this is an all to familiar scenario. This inappropriate guilt or shame about things they did or in some cases did not do causes substantial pain and affects quality of life. It helps to perpetuate the trauma and Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
There are many errors in thinking that occur with inappropriate survivor guilt. In this article, I will highlight five of the more common thinking errors that I encounter. If you are a survivor of trauma, consider if you are blaming yourself for what happened. Tragically, this is a common thinking or mental mistake that can lead to even more pain.
Exaggerating Your Role in Events
Have you been exaggerating your role in the trauma event? Every traumatic event has many contributing factors to its occurrence. Unfortunately, I have treated many women and some men who have survived military sexual trauma (MST). One study has shown that 32% of U.S. military women report having been sexually assaulted. As many as 80% have been harassed sexually. [1] In a Pentagon survey approximately 26,000 women and men were sexually assaulted in 2012. But only 3,374 of those incidents were reported. [2]
Some of these victims of this abuse have blamed themselves for not reporting the abuse or delaying their report. This person is ignoring the fact that their leadership failed to protect him or her. Failing to realize the others around her or him did not notice what was happening. Most importantly that the perpetrator of this crime chose to assault the victim.
Hindsight Bias
Hindsight bias is a common illusion. The person who now knows the outcome distorts what they think they knew at the time of the traumatic event. These trauma survivors often erroneously think that they knew what would happen. They often think in error they ignored cues or signals that the trauma was going to occur. Consequently, they make the thinking error that they caused the trauma to happen.
Some years ago, I treated a PTSD survivor who was the officer in charge of a convoy in Iraq. A vehicle in the convoy broke down. As per the protocol at the time, she waved the other vehicles on since they may have been vulnerable to attack or ambush. Several miles down the road an improvised explosive device (IED) detonated. One soldier was killed, and another lost his leg. By the time I saw her several years later, she had been blaming herself for this tragic event, had frequent nightmares, often feared making decisions, and viewed herself as an ineffective leader.
I Caused it Because It Could Have Been Prevented
A client of mine many years ago was excited to have her daughter go away to a fine college. Her daughter originally wanted to go to college in a town on 11 miles from home. But, her mother insisted she have the experience of living in a dormitory and going to a college she perceived to be better. When her daughter returned home a during the December break she seemed distant, wasn’t sleep well and appeared anxious and somewhat depressed. After much probing she revealed that she had been sexually harassed by a professor that first semester in college. Her daughter was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD and mother was traumatized as well.
Just because her mother could have prevented the sexual harassment by her daughter attending her daughter college choice does not mean she caused it. Mother said, “if only I had allowed her to go to the college close to home this would not have happened.” Unfortunately, her mother is making the mistake of ignoring the professor’s intentions and ultimately, his responsibility for his behavior.
Am I Ignoring My Intentions?
Survivors of trauma sometimes feel guilt and blame themselves for a tragic outcome even though their behavior was not wrong. A service member client of mine some years ago typically breached doors to clear a building of terrorists. He was usually the lead. One day they were on a mission and another soldier asked to be the lead. He breached a door, there was an unexpected explosion and he lost part of his leg. Despite the valiant efforts of my patient who applied a tourniquet, the solder died.
My patient’s intention was to support this soldiers desire to lead and gain that experience. The outcome was the death of the soldier. That was not his intention and the soldier’s death was not his fault. It was the fault of the terrorists.
A Feeling is Not Evidence of Guilt
A friend asks you to go with her on a night out. Even though you would really like to go with her you have so much to do the next day you say no. Several days later you discover that she was assaulted and robbed as she left the nightclub. You feel guilt. ‘If only I had been with her she wouldn’t have been assaulted.’ Just because you feel guilty doesn’t make it so. The emotions we feel frequently give off a feeling of untruth or truth to an idea. But, even though you are in a casino and feel like you are going to win when you pull the slot machine lever doesn’t make it true.
There are many other examples of perceptions of thoughts that people have that can result in inappropriate feelings of guilt following trauma. If you know someone who is suffering feelings of guilt following a trauma encourage them to seek professional help. Considered a FREE no obligation 20 minute consultation.
REFERENCES
1. Meade, Barbara J.; Glenn, Margaret K.; Wirth, Oliver (29 March 2013). "Mission Critical: Getting Vets With PTSD Back to Work". NIOSH: Workplace Safety and Health. Medscape and NIOSH.
2. Castro, Martin (1 September 2013). sexual assault in the military (PDF). U.S. Commission on Civil Rights 1331 Pennsylvania Ave NW Washington, DC 20425: U.S. Commission on Civil Rights. p. 38. Retrieved 22 January 2019.
3. “Frequently asked questions". Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy. 2011-09-19. Archived from the original on September 7, 2015
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