Controlling Parents: Expert Opinion on Why You Need to Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Setting boundaries with controlling parents may be necessary for some adults to learn. As an adult, it is critical that you to establish your own decisions, choices, preferences and rights. After all, most people would agree that a major job of a parent is to help their children to become independent and functioning adults.
Establishing Independence
Have you had the experience of your parent trying to control your life? Do your parents want to tell you who to date or what career to establish? Have your parents told you how to raise your children? Did a parent tell you what house to rent or buy? Have you been criticized by your parents for your choice in vacation destination?
If you have had one of the above experiences or others you are not alone. To be sure, many parents have the best interest of their children in mind. But sometimes parents go too far. Setting boundaries with toxic parents becomes imperative when the frequency and intensity of their efforts begin to affect your relationships and cause you unnecessary stress and even sleepless nights.
How do you set boundaries with parents that are reasonable? Assertive communication is a key element to your success.
It is imperative that you make it crystal clear what is not acceptable. “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z, and I prefer ZZ.” For example, “When you tell me who to date when I am 32 years of age. I feel annoyed. I prefer it that you not interfere in my decisions about the people I chose to be with.”
Do your best to keep a positive tone to your communication. This can sometimes be accomplished by using what is called empathic assertion. “I understand that you and dad are concerned about my future. But, I am an adult and I will need to make my own decisions.”
Use the broken record method. “I know you mean well but this is what I have decided to do.” “Yes, I know you have concerns but I must make my own decisions.” “I will be making my own decision about this and other issues that affect my life.”
It is important that you remain consistent in the decisions that you have made to set a clear boundary. This does not mean that you don’t willingly accept advice. However, would you not agree that there is a huge difference between accepting advice and allowing parents to make the choices for you?
Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of placing your parents on an intermittent reinforcement schedule. This means that after you have made it clear that you intend to make your own decisions, you later given in. You later acquiesce and allow them to bully you into a choice you did not intend to make. Avoid accepting something reluctantly but without establishing your personal comfort zone and boundary.
You see when we are inconsistent, we are not setting a clear boundary. An intermittent schedule of reinforcement causes people to continue to respond in the way they are accustomed and not the way you want them to react and change.
For example, Jane was adamant that she continue her career as an artist even though her parents insisted she get a steady government job. Her passion was art but their concern for her was that she has a secure job.
Stay With Your Passion if You Can
After initially resisting, she decided to give up her art studio and get a job with the local post office. Her parents were delighted but within three months she was miserable.
When Jane decided to purchase the car for which she had been saving, her father told her to purchase a different car he said was a better deal.
The pattern of the controlling parent continued. Much to her detriment, Jane had established an intermittent reinforcement schedule thereby strengthening her parents controlling and dominating behavior pattern.
Another case from years ago further illustrates the point. Parents who were both Ivy League graduates wanted their son to be a physician. He became a gastroenterologist (stomach doctor). So, after all the schooling and residency he found himself stressed and very unhappy.
Still wanting to please his parents, he specialized in internal medicine but remained miserable. He then became a psychiatrist, perhaps attempting to understand himself and find greater happiness. After a time, he returned to school and obtained a degree in library science. He became a research librarian and was generally very happy with his work.
While this may seem odd, it is all too common when people given in to the demands of their parents and their behavior defies their passion. It is not all about money and prestige.
By all means, keep things positive with parents but hold firm in your convictions. You will not always be correct in the decisions you make. But it is important, as an adult, that you make your own decisions. As was stated previously, considering the advice of parents and others is good practice. But, ultimately you will experience the consequences of your decisions and they need to be yours.
If you have controlling and toxic parents, individual counseling may help you develop the skills necessary to be more independent and happier. Consider a FREE no obligation 20-minute strategy session.